Reflection - the Lump

As women, we're told to be vigilant about annual mammograms and monthly self-checks for lumps to aid in early cancer detection. Everyone is also warned to check for moles and skin markings that have changes to them to aid in early cancer detection. We're encouraged to get a colonoscopy as an aid in early cancer detection. Lately I've wondered why, upon the discovery of the lump under my left jaw, my mind didn't immediately go to "cancer!!!" I'm guessing it's because those medical warnings are given for the most frequent or easily detectable cancers, and 'the lump' wasn't in an expected location on my body.

Once I'd gotten the appointment in early May with a new (to me) family practice Doc and he'd grilled me about any recent illnesses or infections (there were none) and then went through a long weekend of antibiotics (just in case) I wasn't thinking about 'the worst' possible outcome. Probably a good thing. Even during the follow-up appointment 5 days later, when that lump hadn't reduced in size, it didn't occur to me Cancer was active in my body. Probably a good thing. And even then, when he scheduled me for a CT scan the same afternoon of the followup morning appointment, the word Cancer was far from my mind. Probably a good thing. If he had an idea or clue he didn't say anything; that's good because I suspect he too wanted to know exactly what the lump was before needlessly instilling panic into someone. Probably a good thing. And then, when he called me four days later with the CT scan results showing the lump was a lymph node and he was going to refer me to an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) Doc, with soonest possible appointment (scheduled for three days later) the farthest thing from my mind was Cancer. Probably a good thing.

Uncharacteristically, don't think I even considered, or even did, an internet search for 'enlarged lymph nodes' in that interim period of time. Probably a good thing. I recall being somewhat annoyed at the call to Jury Duty because it meant postponing the ENT Doc appointment for several days, but only because I wanted to know what that lump was and not because of a concern about Cancer running rampant through my system. Probably a good thing.

And then, finally, the appointment with the ENT Doc when he showed me the CT scan images and did the ultrasound of the lump area and then the needle biopsies, and then said surgery should be done for an excision biopsy to determine exactly what the lump was and then...

...went through the possibilities of what the lump could be and I heard for the first time the word 'Cancer' and then the mind starts whirling. Probability of the probable? Overwhelming.

And that's what I've been "reflecting" about for a several weeks. Hopefully writing it down here will end my reflections about 'the lump' for a while. And that should be a good thing.



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